Theme Songs
by Scoundrel-Vagabond
Summary: A nonsensical story involving the XMen and their newly formed, merry band, of insulting minstrels.
1. Chapter 1: Rogue

Rogue's Theme Song

A familiar rhythmic clunking sound filled the air and the occupants of the kitchen in the Xavier Institute knew that their resident Goth was about to join them.

"Good morning Ro-who are they?"

Rogue stomped into the kitchen and made her way to the fridge ignoring Kurt's question.

Kitty, Kurt, Scott and Jean all shared equally confused glances as three people they'd never seen before followed Rogue into the kitchen. The strange girls didn't seem to notice they were the subject of scrutiny and were seemingly content to follow Rogue around while lugging their instruments around.

Kitty decided to try her luck at questioning Rogue while Jean psychically contacted the Professor.

"Rogue you do realize you've, like, got a bunch of people who are, like totally, following you around?"

Rogue stopped riffling through the contents of the refrigerator momentarily to spare Kitty a chilling glance.

"Really Kitty? Are they following me around? Well I hadn't noticed them at all—oh no wait, I do seem to recall being aware of their presence when they woke me up this morning and proceeded to serenade me while I tried to take a shower!" There was an insane light in Rogue's eyes and Kitty nervously took a step back, she hadn't seen Rogue this worked up since Kitty had spilt nail polish on Rogue's favorite Garbage CD.

Rogue step forward haltingly. "Do you have any more observations to make before I go find a bar that will serve me alcohol this early in the morning?"

Kitty shook her head frantically. "Good."

The angry teen slammed the fridge door shut and prepared to stalk out of the room when she was stopped by Logan's voice.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear you talk about drinking, Stripes if you tell me exactly what's going on here." Logan stood in the kitchen doorway blocking the Goth's path.

Rogue bared her teeth in a deranged fashion that could be described as a friendly smile…in a family of cannibals. "Oh ask _them_ Logan, they love to explain their purpose."

The burly Canadian cocked an eyebrow and stared at the three girls who were smiling broadly and seemed oblivious to the chaos they were causing.

Scott caved first and asked the question no one seemed to want to ask.

"Who, exactly, are you and why are you here?"

The three girls responded cheerfully in eerie harmony. "That's easy we're Rogue's Minstrels! And we're here to—" The trio of voices died down and the girls looked at one another. The shortest of them spoke slowly as if unsure of her answer. "Minstrelize?"

"Minstrels?" Jean asked in disbelief. "So you're hear to…what immortalize her exploits in song?" Jean's voice broke slightly as she struggled not to laugh. The rest of the witnesses seemed not to bother with self-restraint and broke out in uproarious laughter.

"The Rogue-iad?" Kurt howled.

"Homer's the Roguessy?" Kitty offered from her position halfway inside the island.

"The Adventures of Rogue; the Warrior Goth?" Scott said, his lips quirked in merriment.

Rogue scowled at the X-Men. "Not quite." she snapped. "They only seem to know one song, but trust me, they _do_ enjoy singing it."

Rogue's Minstrels seemed to take this as their cue.

A heavy electric guitar rift broke the near silence and then the torture began.

"Who am I now?  
Don't let me touch you, 'cause I might just take you down!  
Who am I now?  
A tough decision, that keeps on comin' 'round.

Who am I now?

I touched your skin and it left me a schitzo;

Who am I now?

There's no way of telling which ones my alter-ego.

Who am I now?

I can use your powers, and it will mean you doom!

Who am I now?

Well until you need me I'll angst up in my room.

Who am I now?

Who am I now?

Who am I now?"

As the last synthesized voice trailed off no one seem to want to look Rogue in the eye.

The teen in question twitched briefly before repeating her earlier statement. "I'm going to find a bar."

This time Logan made no move to stop her. He, like the others, too stunned into silence by the display of _talent _to intervene.

Two minutes late a dazed Evan entered the room. "Can anyone tell me why Rogue just hotwired Mr. Logan's bike and rode off with it?"

This seemed to throw Logan into action as he raced out of the room and headed for the garage. Evan seemed further perplexed by these events and posed a second question to the stunned collective. "And who were the three girls chasing after her in Scott's car?"

Scott whimpered and followed the path Logan had blazed.

Kurt stepped forward and threw a blue furry arm around the stunned youth. "Let's just say I think you should avoid Rogue for the next couple of days." He led Spyke out of the room. "And whatever you do **don't **ask her about the girls following her."

* * *

****

A/N: Don't ask. Just really, don't ask.


	2. Chapter 2: Cyclops

**Cyclops' Theme Song

* * *

**

For the past three days tensions at the Xavier Institute had never been higher. A phenomenon which can be directly linked to the continued presence of Rogue's Minstrels who were, by all accounts, very close to driving the Southern teen further into the realm of insanity.

This may be why when Rogue entered the kitchen Thursday morning Evan and Kurt, the only two people in the kitchen, were surprised and confused when they realized three things.

One: Rogue was distinctively and unnervingly cheerful.

Two: She was stone cold sober.

Three: She was alone.

Alone.

As in very much a single, solitary, entity.

As in no thrice damned minstrels.

Kurt grinned widely in relief--the past few days had been hell for Rogue which meant they had also been hell for everyone else. "Rogue whe—"

"**_ROGUE_**!"

Evan and Kurt winced as Scott's scream tore through the relative silence of the mansion. Seconds later the occupants of the kitchen heard the sound of numerous people barreling down stairs.

Cyclops stormed into the room and stopped directly in front of the stripe haired teen.

"Yes Scott?"

"How did you do it? _Why _did you do it?"

"I'm quite sure I have no idea what you are referring to." Rogue drawled with a wicked smirk. Three very familiar girls then entered the room each wearing very familiar red sunglasses.

Evan leaned ever so slowly toward Kurt, being very careful not to draw anyone's attention.

"You don't think Rogue—I mean she's not cruel enough to—?"

"Ja, I think she did, and apparently she is."

Scott took a deep breath; he seemed to be searching for the last vestiges of his patience.

"Rogue unless you and **everyone else** here _want _to do seven extra Danger Room sessions I suggest you explain."

Kurt's eyes widened in fright. He quickly teleported across the room and clung to Rogues thin frame.

"Please Rogue, tell him. He's crazy enough to do such a dastardly deed. Please, for all our sakes, tell him!"

Rogues wicked grin only seemed to grow in scope.

"Now Scott did you forget? I have survival training with Logan all weekend for coming home drunk the other night."

"Was that for coming home drunk? I thought it was for not coming home at all for two days." Kurt offered from his new seat on the kitchen counter. He had decided that being so close to Scott in the light of his leader's current mood would be a hazard to his health.

"I thought it was for hotwiring Logan's bike, racing it, and then sharking a game of high stakes poker." Evan chimed in.

Rogue pouted slightly. "I did clean out in poker—is it my fault Logan wouldn't take a bribe?"

Through this exchange Scott had begun to turn a very interesting shade of magenta.

"One."

Rogue sat on the counter next to Kurt.

"Two."

She began to examine her nails.

"Three."

She decided that it wasn't working too well—most likely because of the gloves she was wearing.

"Four."

Evan began to get really nervous as Rogue idly swung her legs.

"Five."

Kurt was sure Scott had developed a facial tick underneath his glasses.

"Six."

Bullets of sweat began to stream down Spyke's face.

"Seven."

He leapt from his seat and raced across the room to Rogue and began to whisper anxiously in her ear.

"Eight."

Rogue seemed to ponder whatever Evan had said briefly. "And I'll get the original and any copies?" Evan nodded frantically.

"Nine."

"OK you've got yourself a deal, Porcupine."

"Te—"

"Relax Cyke, I'll tell you."

Scott crossed his arms and glared at Rogue. Maybe. It's hard to tell under those glasses, really.

"I merely suggested to them that seeing as how you're the leader of our merry band of freaks it was only logical that they, er, _chronicle _your exploits, not mine."

She gestured half-heartedly toward the minstrels whom were busy stuffing their faces with Kurt and Evans forgotten breakfast.

"That's it?" The brunette asked flatly. Rogue nodded. "That's it!" Everyone winced at Scotts shrill howl.

"Scott are you alright, I felt a great disturbance on the Astral Plane." Jean entered the room in a daze with Kitty trailing behind her. Noticing all the weird looks she was getting Jean sighed.

"Fine, Kitty and I heard you scream, ok?"

"Scotts just fine Jeanie, he's just had a nasty shock this morning is all."

"Shock? Shock! There was major wincing going on."

"Minstrels." He sputtered. "I have minstrels."

Two of the girls stood up and picked up their instruments of terror. There was a great pause before the third realized what was going on and scrambled off her chair.

"Cyclops, the leader, got red eyes in his head.

Quartz-clouded vision is all that he dreads;

Cyclops, the leader—he can only see red.

He buffs his visor with Armor All Car Wax.

Don't tell him, but we think it was his car we crashed.

Cyclops, the leader, his clothes don't always match.

His peripheral vision, it sucks, its' hell.

His peripheral vision, it sucks, its' hell.

And it makes him;

Anal, Anal.

Poor guy, it makes him;

Anal, Anal."

Even though it was painful and disturbing to watch all present, with the exception of Scott and the minstrels whom no one counted, would later agree on one thing; it was funny as hell.

"Like, why does that sound so familiar?"

"You've probably heard me play it. They stole the tune from a Manson song." Rogue said matter-of-factly.

"Oh man, they're so right. You are anal." Evan wheezed out between fits of giggles.

Kitty, Kurt, and Rogue all snickered, as Scott seemed to deflate and twisted his lips in a delicate pout.

"I'm not anal!"

"Oh yeah?" Rogue challenged. "People who don't say 'thank you' when you hold the door open for them."

Scott frowned.

Jean smiled as she saw where Rogue was headed.

"People who don't signal when they change lanes."

Scott grimaced and began to protest. "They are a definite danger to others!"

Evan eyed Kurt briefly. "People who don't use a hair catcher when they shower."

"That's just gross." Scott was sweating profusely.

Kurt's eyes narrowed. "What about people who skateboard indoors and leave scuff marks everywhere?"

Evan dropped his skateboard on the wood floor and growled at Kurt. "It's on Grover. I suggest you start running."

Scott's shrill voice followed them through the halls. "It damages the natural finish and increases the number of times you have to wax!"

Kitty, Jean and Rogue exchanged wide-eyed looks before turning back to the sweating, pale, trembling form of their leader. Rogue and Jean briefly thought about taking pity on the poor boy. Sweet, innocent Kitty on the other hand when in for the kill.

"Oh! What about people who, like totally, don't, like, speak English right?"

Jean winced at the sound of Cyclops hitting the floor. Rogue scoffed at the sight of their 'Fearless Leader' whimpering on the floor in the fetal position. "Kitty you have an irrepressible streak of cruelty that I admire."

"What are you, like, talking about, Rogue?"

Jean slung an arm around the Valley Girl. "C'mon Kitty, I'll drive you to school."

As Rogue followed the two girls out of the room she smiled evilly. "Y'all better take the van—Scott's car is out of commission."

Back in the kitchen Rogue's southern drawl cut through Scott's whimpering.

'My car?' He thought, trying to clear the fog from his mind.

'What about my car?' Then the fog cleared and the horrible song came back to him. A line he had overlooked in favor of defending his anal-retentive tendencies.

Scott's minstrels slowly backed out of the kitchen as his glasses seemed to glow redder than usual.

**"**_**MY CAR!"

* * *

** _

**A/N: ****I am a sick, and twisted individual. I need help. Really.**

**For those who like to sing along sing Scott's theme song to the tune of "Cyclops Woman" by Marilyn Manson.**


End file.
